Florida, the land of sunshine, retirees, and questionable decisions, has outdone itself yet again. This time, the state is rolling out a brand-new detention center in the Everglades—affectionately nicknamed “Alligator Alcatraz”—because apparently, regular prisons just weren’t Florida enough.
The Pitch: Escape? Good Luck With That
President Trump, in his infinite wisdom, explained the logic behind this luxury facility: “Snakes are fast, but alligators—we’re going to teach them how to run away from an alligator.” (Pro tip: Zigzag. It increases your survival odds by a whopping 1%.)
Because nothing says “humane detention” like forcing people to navigate a gauntlet of Florida’s deadliest predators.
Marjory Stoneman Douglas Is Rolling in Her Grave
The Everglades’ OG defender, Marjory Stoneman Douglas (yes, that Douglas), spent her life fighting to protect this swampy paradise from developers. Now, her legacy is being trampled by a detention center that sounds like a rejected Hunger Games arena.
Her famous quote? “It’s a woman’s business to be interested in the environment. It’s an extended form of housekeeping.”
Well, Florida’s current housekeeping involves alligators, lawsuits, and a whole lot of bad decisions.
Environmentalists & Tribal Leaders: “Seriously, WTF?”
Eve Samples, head of Friends of the Everglades, is not amused. “Fifty-six years later, the threat has returned—and it poses another existential threat to the Everglades.”
Meanwhile, Betty Osceola, a Miccosukee Tribe leader and airboat captain, summed it up best: “We’re only caretakers of this creation.”
Florida’s response? “Hold my swamp water.”
Final Thoughts
So there you have it, folks. Florida’s latest attraction: A detention center where the real security guards have scales and fangs.
If you thought Florida Man was the state’s biggest threat, think again. The real villains are the politicians who looked at a biodiversity hotspot and said, “Perfect spot for a prison.”
Welcome to the Sunshine State, where the wildlife is deadly, the politics are wilder, and the only thing getting preserved is our collective disbelief.