Because pouring soda on yourself is totally how you outsmart DNA evidence.
In a move that can only be described as “Florida Woman Logic,” 37-year-old Nichole Maks thought she could outwit forensic science by dousing herself in Diet Mountain Dew after allegedly murdering her 79-year-old roommate. Spoiler alert: It did not work.
According to reports, Maks didn’t just commit a crime—she committed a crime spree. After allegedly beating her elderly roommate with a hammer and stabbing him with a knife (because one weapon just wasn’t enough), she decided to set the house on fire. Because nothing says “I’m innocent” like arson.
But the real chef’s kiss moment came when cops told her they were taking her DNA. Instead of, you know, staying quiet and lawyering up like a normal criminal, Maks asked for a Diet Mountain Dew. Then, in a move that would make even the most seasoned Florida Man raise an eyebrow, she poured it all over herself like she was in some kind of low-budget CSI spoof.
Officers, probably fighting the urge to facepalm, still tried to arrest her. Naturally, Maks responded by kicking and flailing like a toddler who just got told naptime was happening whether she liked it or not.
Her defense team argued that she had serious mental health struggles (including schizoaffective disorder and PTSD) and a history of trauma. The judge acknowledged her struggles but also pointed out the obvious: “We can’t lose sight of the fact that she murdered somebody.”
So now, Maks gets to enjoy the next 35 years in prison—where, hopefully, she won’t try to wash away her crimes with a can of Surge next time.
Moral of the story? If you’re going to commit a crime in Florida, maybe skip the soda-based alibi.