POLK CITY, FL – Move over, Florida Man—Florida Woman is here to steal the spotlight with her fizzy fury. Crystal Hess, 35, allegedly turned a simple gas station trip into a full-blown soda showdown when she yeeted an unopened Pepsi can into another car, nailing a 3-year-old in the head.
Because nothing says “I’m mad” like turning a carbonated beverage into a deadly missile.
The Backstory (Because Florida Always Has One)
According to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office, Hess got into a heated argument with another customer at a Polk City gas station. Instead of using her words like a grown adult, she went full Olympic shot-putter and launched a Pepsi can into the victim’s car. The can bonked the toddler, who thankfully wasn’t seriously injured—but probably now has trust issues with soda.
Not content with just one act of chaos, Hess then allegedly punched and kicked the victim’s car before peeling out in her blue Hyundai Elantra like a villain in a low-budget action movie.
The Arrest (Because Florida Always Catches Up)
Hess’s crime spree didn’t end there. Ten days later, she was arrested in South Carolina for a hit-and-run (because why stop at soda assault?). Polk County deputies tracked her down, extradited her back to Florida, and tossed her in jail.
Now, she’s facing charges for throwing a deadly missile into an occupied vehicle (aka Pepsi-gate) and criminal mischief (aka car-kicking tantrum).
The Lesson Here?
If you’re going to lose your temper in Florida, maybe don’t weaponize a soda can. And definitely don’t punch a car—it’s not a stress ball.
Stay tuned for the next episode of Florida’s Most Unhinged Gas Station Encounters.