PINE ISLAND, FL — Move over, Florida Man. There’s a new legend in town, and her name is Carol Etscovitz, the woman who took down a wild boar with nothing but a mango and sheer Floridian audacity.
The Mango Assassin Strikes
Carol and her husband, David, own a 40-acre slice of paradise called Promised Land on Pine Island, where they grow mangoes, keep goats, and apparently fend off feral hogs with tropical fruit. One night, while wandering her grove, Carol came face-to-snout with a massive, fearless boar.
“It was pitch-dark, and this thing was just rooting around like it owned the place,” Carol recalls. “I was mad. This pig had zero respect for personal space.”
So what does any self-respecting Florida woman do? She grabs the nearest mango—because, of course, there’s always a mango within arm’s reach—and hurls it like a major league fastball. Direct hit. The boar, stunned, bolted straight into a pond. The next morning? Floating hog.
“I have the worst aim on the planet,” Carol admits. “This was an inspired hit.”
Welcome to the Free State of Florida
Florida has long been the land of “Hold my beer and watch this” moments, but Carol’s mango assassination might just be the most Florida thing to happen since a guy tried to pay for McDonald’s with an alligator.
The Etscovitzes moved to Florida from New Hampshire (the “Live Free or Die” state) in search of warmer weather and fewer snow shovels. What they found was a place where wild boars roam free, mangoes double as self-defense tools, and the definition of freedom is… debatable.
Governor Ron DeSantis has branded Florida the “Free State of Florida,” but opinions vary. For some, freedom means carrying a gun into a Publix. For others, it’s the right to kill invasive species with fruit.
Florida: Where History and Chaos Collide
Florida isn’t just about weird news—it’s got layers. The state is home to:
– Mermaids with government jobs (Weeki Wachee Springs).
– Naked 5K races (Caliente Bare Dare).
– A supermarket that doubles as a MAGA shrine (Seed to Table, where raw milk is labeled “Not for human consumption” but sold anyway).
And let’s not forget the Miccosukee, who said “Nope” to the Trail of Tears and disappeared into the Everglades like absolute legends.
The Great Florida Exodus (And Influx)
While some, like historian Paul Ortiz, are fleeing Florida’s political climate (“I don’t remember librarians getting death threats before”), others are flocking to the state for low taxes and the right to do… whatever this is.
Alfie Oakes, owner of Seed to Table and self-proclaimed freedom warrior, sees Collier County as “Freedom Town USA.” He’s fought fluoride in water, sold raw milk under the radar, and turned his supermarket into a conservative rally point. His motto? “If you don’t look after freedom, you might lose it.”
Final Thoughts
Florida remains a paradox—a place where you can kill a boar with a mango, debate banned books at the library, and buy Trump merch next to organic zucchini. Whether it’s “freedom’s last corner” or just “America’s weirdest state” depends on who you ask.
But one thing’s for sure: Carol Etscovitz is now a Florida legend. And if you see her holding a mango? Run.