LARGO, FL— In the latest installment of Florida Woman Does Florida Things, 33-year-old Laura Garrett decided that the best way to settle a political debate was with a can of whoop-ass—literally.
According to reports, Garrett spotted a 72-year-old man minding his own business at Northeast Park and Paw Place, rocking his Make America Great Again hat like a champ. Instead of, you know, not engaging, Garrett marched over to ask him why he supported former President Donald Trump. Because nothing says “civil discourse” like accosting a senior citizen in a public park.
Things escalated faster than a Florida thunderstorm. The argument got heated, and Garrett allegedly poured whatever was in her can (probably not respect) onto the man’s head before smacking him with it. Because when words fail, just hit him with the can.
But wait—it gets better.
After the attack, Garrett apparently channeled her inner parkour expert, hopping a fence like she was in an action movie. Police caught up with her, but she wasn’t going down without a fight. Officers tried to cuff her, but Garrett decided to take them on in a literal leg-lock takedown, wrapping her legs around one cop and sending them both to the ground.
Because why just resist arrest when you can turn it into a WWE audition?
Garrett was eventually booked on charges including battery on a person over 65 (because Florida does have some standards) and battery on a police officer (because apparently, she wanted the full Florida Bingo card). She was released the next day, probably to go find another political debate to settle with her fists.
Moral of the story? If you see a MAGA hat in Florida, maybe just… keep scrolling. Or at least don’t assault people with beverage containers. Just a thought.