St. Petersburg, FL – Move over, Florida Man, because Florida Woman just dropped the hammer—or in this case, a 10 to 12-inch barnacle-covered conch shell—in the latest installment of “Why Are We Like This?”
Meet Nikki Quarterman, 40, who decided that a regular old argument with her on-again, off-again beau just wasn’t dramatic enough. According to police, after getting “very intoxicated” (because of course she was), Nikki escalated things by:
- Stripping down (classic Florida power move).
- Breaking everything in sight (because who needs home decor when you have rage?).
- Grabbing a conch shell like it was Thor’s hammer and swinging it at her victim like she was auditioning for Pirates of the Caribbean 6: Drunken Revenge.
The man, who clearly has the reflexes of a ninja, managed to block the attack—but not before the “very sharp” shell left him with a souvenir cut on his hand. (Pro tip: If someone throws a conch at you, maybe don’t try to catch it bare-handed?)
Undeterred, Nikki then locked herself in the garage, because nothing says “I regret my life choices” like hiding among lawn equipment. Police arrived, a brief struggle ensued (probably involving more flailing than actual fighting), and Nikki was hauled off to jail.
But here’s the real kicker: This wasn’t even her first battery charge. Nope, back in 2008, she was convicted of battery, proving that some people really do stick to their brand.
A judge has since issued a no-contact order, which means Nikki is officially banned from:
- Throwing shells
- Breaking things
- Probably going anywhere near a beach gift shop
She’s out on $15,000 bond, which we can only assume was paid in loose change and regret.
Stay tuned for her court hearing, where we can only hope the judge asks, “Ma’am, why a conch shell?”
Florida. Never change.