TalesFromFlorida.com – In a shocking case of vehicular vs. foliage violence, a Florida woman found herself in handcuffs after committing what authorities called a “hit-and-run” on an innocent, defenseless tree branch.
Yanelly Guzman was just trying to park before her Christmas Eve shift at TJ Maxx when disaster struck. “I felt pressure,” she later recounted, describing the harrowing moment her car lightly grazed a low-hanging branch. Panicked, she did what any reasonable Floridian would do—she backed up and parked somewhere else.
But the tree branch, a known victim of previous parking lot assaults, had other plans.
Instead of receiving a heartfelt apology note (because apparently, trees now require formal correspondence), the branch called in the big guns—Cape Coral PD. When Guzman tried to do the responsible thing and file a report, she was blindsided by an officer who decided this was clearly a felony-level foliage offense.
“He told me I should’ve left my name, registration, and phone number on the tree,” Guzman said, still traumatized. “Like, do I tape it to a leaf? Carve it into the bark? WHAT DO TREES PREFER?”
The officer, taking zero chances with this hardened criminal, slapped on the cuffs and hauled her to jail, where she was forced to endure the ultimate humiliation—a mugshot for her alleged crimes against arboriculture.
The charges were eventually dropped (because, shockingly, trees don’t press charges), but the damage was done. Guzman is now out $4,300 in legal fees and car repairs, plus the emotional scars of knowing Florida law enforcement considers her a branch menace.
Lessons learned?
1. Trees are snitches.
2. Always carry apology stationery in case of accidental leaf contact.
3. Florida will arrest you for anything.
Stay safe out there, folks. The trees are watching. 🌳👀