TAMPA, FL—Move over, deep-fried butter at the state fair—there’s a new champion of cholesterol chaos in town. A Florida man recently made headlines after his all-beef, all-butter, all-cheese diet turned his bloodstream into what doctors can only describe as “a fondue fountain gone wrong.”
The Carnivore Diet: Because Who Needs Vegetables?
The man, whose name remains as mysterious as his life choices, proudly told doctors he had been living his best (and greasiest) life for eight months on a strict carnivore diet. His daily menu included:
- 6 to 9 pounds of cheese (because why stop at a reasonable amount?)
- Sticks of butter (not just a pat—entire sticks)
- Hamburgers with extra fat mixed in (because regular beef just wasn’t fatty enough)
“My energy is up, my mind is clear, and my arteries are basically clogged with regret,” he may or may not have said.
Cholesterol Level: OVER 9000
While the average person’s cholesterol should stay under 200 mg/dL, this man’s levels skyrocketed past 1,000 mg/dL—a number so high, doctors initially thought their machines were broken.
For comparison:
- Normal human: “Maybe I should cut back on the bacon.”
- This guy: “Hold my butter stick.”
The Unfortunate Side Effect: Oozing Cholesterol
Things took a turn when yellowish nodules started popping up on his hands, feet, and elbows. Doctors diagnosed him with xanthelasma, a rare condition where excess cholesterol literally leaks out of your blood vessels and forms greasy little deposits under the skin.
“It’s like his body was trying to make its own butter,” one horrified nurse reportedly whispered.
Doctors: “Maybe Don’t Do This?”
While the man claimed he felt great (“I’m basically a walking cheese wheel!”), cardiologists were less enthusiastic. High cholesterol is strongly linked to heart disease, and letting your lipids ooze out of your skin is generally considered a bad sign.
The case study, published in JAMA Cardiology, serves as a cautionary tale: Just because you can eat nothing but cheese and butter doesn’t mean you should.
The Aftermath
The article doesn’t reveal what happened to our butter-loving hero, but we can only hope he’s since discovered the miracle of vegetables—or at least a salad with some cheese on it.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Florida, a new trend is born: The “Human Fondue Challenge.”**