Only in Florida does a man survive an alligator attack—just to pick a fight with the cops with garden shears.
It all started when 42-year-old Timothy Schultz decided to spice up his Monday by acting “bizarre” at a Lakeland convenience store. Deputies showed up, but Schultz had already upgraded his morning swim to Extreme Mode by diving into an alligator-infested lake. Because why not?
Witnesses, being the helpful Floridians they are, tossed him a life preserver. Schultz responded like any rational person would—by growling at them. Classic.
Somehow, he made it out of the water (with a fresh gator bite, because Florida) and immediately grabbed a pair of garden shears. Not for pruning bushes, though—oh no. This man had plans.
First, he tried breaking into a truck with a brick (because garden shears weren’t destructive enough). Then, when deputies arrived, Schultz charged at them like a man who had already survived one apex predator and figured, “Why not try my luck with another?”
Deputies tased him—twice—but Schultz just powered through like a meth-fueled Terminator. He then hopped into a cop car, possibly thinking, “If I can’t have the garden shears, I’ll take the shotgun!”
Spoiler: The deputies disagreed.
Sheriff Grady Judd later confirmed Schultz had a colorful criminal history (read: lots of meth). So, in the end, the gator didn’t get him—but the cops did.
Moral of the story? If you survive an alligator attack, maybe just… go home.