Ah, Yellowstone National Park—where the geysers are hot, the views are breathtaking, and the bison are absolutely done with tourists. And who better to test the patience of a 2,000-pound beast than our very own Florida Man?
That’s right, folks. Just weeks into Yellowstone’s busy summer season, a 47-year-old man from Cape Coral, Florida, decided to play a high-stakes game of “How Close Can I Get?” with North America’s largest land animal. Spoiler: He lost.
The Incident: When Bison Said “Not Today, Tourist”
Park officials reported that the man got a little too cozy with one of Yellowstone’s famously grumpy bison near Lake Village. The bison, presumably tired of yet another human invading its personal space, responded the only way it knew how—with a horn to the ribs.
Miraculously, the Florida Man escaped with only minor injuries, proving once again that Florida genetics may include a secret resistance to Darwinism.
Yellowstone’s PSA: Bison Don’t Care About Your Selfie
Park officials took this golden opportunity to remind visitors—yet again—that bison are not fluffy cows. They are fast, angry, and fully capable of ruining your vacation.
- Speed: Bison can run 35 mph—faster than Usain Bolt.
- Size: They weigh up to 2,000 pounds (that’s roughly one Florida Man in Crocs).
- Patience: Zero.
Despite signs, warnings, and common sense, tourists still think it’s a good idea to:
✔️ Get within selfie range
✔️ Pet baby bison (which, by the way, dooms them to exile)
✔️ Assume bison are just big, slow lawn ornaments
Florida Man’s Legacy Continues
This isn’t the first time a tourist has learned the hard way that wild animals don’t appreciate paparazzi. Last year, an 83-year-old South Carolina woman got gored, and in 2023, an Arizona woman was significantly injured by a bison with zero chill.
But let’s be real—Florida Man was always going to be the first victim of 2025. It was only a matter of time.
How to Avoid Becoming a Bison’s Personal Speed Bump
For those planning a trip to Yellowstone (or any place where animals could easily end you), here’s a quick survival guide:
✅ Stay 25 yards away from bison (that’s about two school buses).
✅ If a bison stares at you, it’s not flirting—run.
✅ DO NOT try to take a selfie with one. Your Instagram likes aren’t worth the ER bill.
So, to our brave (or foolish) Florida Man: We salute you. Your story will be told around campfires for years to come—a cautionary tale of man vs. beast, and beast always winning.
Stay tuned for the next episode of “Florida Man vs. Nature,” coming soon to a national park near you.
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