GULF BREEZE, Fla. – In a scene straight out of Florida Man: The Reckoning, a Gulf Breeze resident found himself in a real-life Bear Grylls situation—except instead of surviving the wilderness, he was just trying to survive his own backyard.
The chaos began when a Florida man (because of course it was) heard his dog yelp outside at the ungodly hour of way too early o’clock. Like any self-respecting Floridian, he charged into battle—barefoot, probably—to defend his furry bestie from a very unexpected guest: a bear.
The 911 Call We All Needed
“I need an ambulance, I need—I just got bit by a bear in my backyard!” he frantically told dispatchers.
Translation: “I thought Florida was all about gators and meth gators, but now we’ve got bears?!”
The man, who we’ll call Sir Kicks-a-Lot, described the harrowing moment the bear chomped his leg. “He charged me again after he bit me. I kicked him in the face, and I ran as fast as I could into the house.”
Florida Man Survival Tactics:
1. Get bit by bear.
2. Roundhouse kick bear in the face (because why not?).
3. Run like your life depends on it (because it does).
Meanwhile, a neighbor’s Ring camera caught the prelude to the attack—two bears casually tossing around a trash bag like they were rehearsing for Bear WWE SmackDown. Classic Florida.
The Aftermath
The bear, now officially on Florida’s Most Wanted list, vanished into the night (probably to start a Bear TikTok channel). Wildlife officials set up a trap, but let’s be real—this bear has already leveled up to Florida Bear Legend status.
Neighbors, meanwhile, are side-eyeing overdevelopment like, “Y’all brought the suburbs to the bears, not the other way around.”
The victim was rushed to the hospital, where doctors confirmed his injuries were “very Florida.” His dog? Unharmed, probably sitting at home judging his human’s life choices.
Moral of the Story:
If you hear your dog yelp in Florida, check the Ring camera first. It could be a bear. Or a gator. Or a meth gator. Or, at this point, a yeti.
Welcome to Florida, folks. Where even the wildlife has a vendetta.