Big Pine Key, FL – Just when you thought Florida Man couldn’t outdo himself, along comes John Fitzpatrick, a 41-year-old Hallandale Beach resident who decided to turn a simple ride home from the bar into a Lifetime movie plot.
According to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office, Fitzpatrick—who was allegedly dressed like a discount Jason Bourne (all black, red hat, and, of course, a case of beer)—hitched a ride with a woman early Friday morning. Things escalated quickly when he flashed a gun and casually informed her, “I could be dangerous.”
Spoiler alert: He was.
Not content with just implying danger, Fitzpatrick allegedly went full Florida Man and grabbed her breast twice, then bragged he’d be “a better love maker than her husband.” Because nothing says romance like a felony.
The woman, clearly unimpressed with his charm offensive, fought back, leading to a struggle that ended with Fitzpatrick claiming he was a CIA agent as deputies wrestled him to the ground. (Spoiler: He was not.)
Oh, and the gun? Serial number scratched off. Because subtlety is clearly his strong suit.
Fitzpatrick now faces seven charges, including aggravated assault, resisting arrest, and being a convicted felon with a gun. His past includes armed burglary, so at least he’s consistent.
He’s currently enjoying the Monroe County Jail’s hospitality with no bond, because Florida has officially had enough.
Moral of the story? If a guy in a red hat offers you life advice from the passenger seat—run.
(Stay tuned for next week’s episode of Florida Man: The Dating Game.)