Because nothing says “family-friendly vacation” like smuggling drugs into the Happiest Place on Earth.
In a move that can only be described as peak Florida Man, 44-year-old Dustin Lee Wallace allegedly tried to bring cocaine into Disney World—because apparently, Space Mountain just wasn’t thrilling enough for him.
According to reports, Wallace and his son were going through the Magic Kingdom security checkpoint when the metal detector flagged his suspiciously bulky wallet. (Pro tip: If your wallet is thick enough to set off alarms, maybe rethink your life choices.)
Security asked Wallace to empty his pockets, and—shocker—he got real nervous. When they opened his wallet, they allegedly found a bag of white powder. (Spoiler: It wasn’t pixie dust.)
Disney security promptly told Wallace to GTFO and banned him from all Disney properties. (Sorry, no more churros for you, buddy.) Deputies arrived, tested the powder, and confirmed it was cocaine. Wallace allegedly admitted to using coke for “work stress,” which, honestly, if your job is that bad, maybe just quit instead of risking a felony at the It’s a Small World ride.
He was arrested, booked, and now faces charges for possession. His bond was set at $2,500—which, coincidentally, is about the same price as a one-day Disney ticket, Genie+ Lightning Lane, and a Dole Whip.
Wallace has pleaded not guilty, but let’s be real—this is a bold defense strategy when you literally told cops you were trying to bring drugs into Disney.
Moral of the story? If you’re going to do something illegal, maybe don’t do it in the one place on Earth with more surveillance than the Pentagon.