Oh, Florida Man. Never change.
A 51-year-old Orlando resident, Aarton T. Carter, decided that attending a funeral in Beloit, Wisconsin, wasn’t dramatic enough. So, naturally, he turned it into a full-blown crime spree—because nothing says “respecting the dead” like beating your wife, stealing her phone, and fleeing with your child like you’re in a low-budget action movie.
According to reports, police arrived at the scene to find the poor woman looking like she’d gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson—bruised face, swollen lip, a cut on her head requiring stitches, and scratches behind both ears (because apparently, Florida Man fights like a feral raccoon). But Carter wasn’t sticking around for the post-fight interview. Nope. He grabbed their kid and her phone before vanishing into the night like a discount Batman.
Cops eventually caught up with him in Loves Park, Illinois, because nothing says “master criminal” like getting busted in a town called Loves Park. Now, he’s facing felony charges for robbery, attempted strangulation, and substantial battery—plus a misdemeanor for domestic abuse/disorderly conduct (because Florida Man always goes for the combo).
His next court date is April 4th, where he’ll hopefully explain why he thought “funeral trip” meant “extreme marital dispute championship.”
Stay classy, Florida.