BREVARD COUNTY, FL—In the latest installment of Florida Man vs. Common Sense, a Merritt Island man has taken the phrase “hold the pickles” to a whole new level.
Edward Cocaine (yes, that’s his real name—Florida never disappoints) was arrested after allegedly attacking two Subway employees. Deputies say Cocaine committed aggravated assault and armed occupied burglary, which we can only assume means he brought a weapon to a sandwich fight.
Details are still unfolding, but sources speculate this may have been the most dramatic Subway encounter since that time someone asked for “just a little more mayo” and got a full condiment bottle dumped on their footlong.
Cocaine is now behind bars, where he’ll have plenty of time to reflect on his life choices—like why he thought terrorizing sandwich artists was a solid career move.
His court appearance is expected later today, where he’ll likely face the ultimate punishment: a lifetime ban from the $5 Footlong promo.
Stay tuned because, in Florida, even lunch breaks come with a side of chaos. 🥪💥