Because nothing says “hire me” like a urine grenade attack.
ST. PETERSBURG, FL—In what can only be described as the worst job application strategy ever recorded, a local Florida Man decided that if he couldn’t get hired, he’d at least make sure nobody forgot him.
John Connaughton, 51 (and also a registered sex offender, because of course), allegedly stormed into Doors, Moulding & More with a very special resume—multiple bottles of his own pee.
According to reports, Connaughton was upset that the business wouldn’t grant him an interview. So, like any rational human being, he whipped out his golden shower surprise and started flinging it around like a discount superhero with very questionable powers.
The victim, who was just trying to work a normal Friday, suddenly found themselves splashed with mystery liquid—only to realize, oh no, that’s not water.
But Connaughton wasn’t done. After drenching the employee’s legs and over $1,000 worth of property (because apparently, wood and urine don’t mix well), he bolted—only to be followed by the victim, at which point he brandished a skateboard like a medieval knight ready to joust.
Because if you’re already committing a felony with bodily fluids, why not escalate to aggravated assault with a skateboard?
Connaughton now faces charges for battery, criminal mischief, and aggravated assault—because Florida Man never does things halfway.
Moral of the story? If you really want a job, maybe just send a follow-up email instead of a biohazard.