CHARLOTTE COUNTY, FL—In a plot twist that even Florida Man didn’t see coming, a 35-year-old woman allegedly decided that a nature preserve was the perfect place to audition for the role of Worst Human Being Ever.
Gwendolyn Girard, whose life choices clearly took a wrong turn at “Why Would You Do That?” Boulevard, was arrested after deputies say she stabbed a 12-year-old girl and left her for dead in the Cecil Webb Wildlife Management Area. Because nothing says “peaceful nature walk” like attempted murder.
Thankfully, this story doesn’t end the way Girard probably hoped. Instead of becoming a true-crime documentary, it turned into a “Florida Woman vs. Basic Human Decency” showdown—and decency won.
The Plot Thickens (Unlike the Suspect’s Common Sense)
The victim, a brave 12-year-old girl, was discovered by passing bystanders who, unlike Girard, actually possess functioning moral compasses. The girl had cuts on her face and neck but was conscious enough to spill the tea on her attacker.
Deputies arrived to find the girl weak but alive, proving once again that Florida kids are built different. She told them Girard had stabbed her, hidden her under brush, and then bounced in a gold-colored van—because nothing screams “I’m a responsible adult” like fleeing a crime scene in a vehicle that looks like it belongs in a 2002 rap video.
The Arrest: Because You Can’t Outrun Karma (Or Cops)
Lee County deputies tracked Girard down in North Fort Myers, where she was presumably busy Googling “how to explain a knife to police.” Spoiler: There is no good explanation.
After questioning, Girard confessed—because apparently, she missed the memo that “remain silent” is a thing. She was charged with aggressive battery and aggravated child abuse, because Florida doesn’t mess around when you try to turn a kid into a slasher film extra.
Sheriff Bill Prummell, a man who has seen some wild Florida nonsense in his 33-year career, said:
“In my 33-year career, there are only a handful of times that I have been left speechless. This is one of those times. To attack a child with a knife… I can’t understand it.”
Same, Sheriff. Same.
The Aftermath: Justice Served (With a Side of Florida Bond Logic)
Girard is now sitting in Lee County Jail with a $750,000 bond, because apparently, stabbing children is considered “a little bit bad” in the eyes of the legal system.
Meanwhile, the 12-year-old victim is stable, proving that Florida kids are basically superheroes who survive things that would make the rest of us quit life.
Moral of the Story?
If you’re thinking about committing crimes in Florida, just remember: the wildlife isn’t the only thing that bites back.
(Stay safe out there, folks. And maybe avoid nature preserves with sketchy adults in gold vans.)