Oh, Florida Man. Never change.
In what might be the most Florida way to get caught, a Gulfport man was busted after leaving his fingerprints on—wait for it—a box of Goldfish crackers. Because when you’re committing felonies, you always remember to snack responsibly.
Meet Michael Gonzalez, aka Gizmo (because of course he has a street name). This guy allegedly decided that robbing a Family Dollar was a solid life choice. His haul? $50 worth of cleaning supplies and a box of Goldfish. Because nothing says “hardened criminal” like stealing scrub brushes and cheddar-flavored fish crackers.
But here’s where it gets extra Florida:
When the 65-year-old store manager (who was just trying to do her job) confronted Gonzalez, things got wild. The altercation ended with the poor woman getting smacked in the face with the Goldfish box, leaving her with a cut under her lip. Because in Florida, even snack food can be a weapon.
The Smoking Gun (Literally, Just a Box of Goldfish)
Police later found Gonzalez’s fingerprints on the Goldfish box, which is honestly the most embarrassing way to get caught since that one guy who live-streamed his own burglary.
When questioned, Gonzalez reportedly said, “This is petty, I should just get time served.”
Spoiler alert: The judge disagreed. His bond was set at $30,000 because, as it turns out, this wasn’t his first rodeo.
Gizmo’s Greatest Hits
- Stealing a skateboard (then punching, biting, and stabbing the owner in the face—because subtlety is dead).
- Previous convictions for theft, trespassing, robbery, cocaine possession, disorderly conduct, and attempted armed robbery.
So yeah, this guy wasn’t exactly a first-time offender. More like a “Florida’s Most Wanted: Snack Edition” contestant.
The Lesson Here?
If you’re going to commit crimes in Florida, maybe don’t leave evidence on your snack food. Or better yet—just don’t commit crimes. But let’s be real, this is Florida. That’s like asking alligators to stop hanging out in swimming pools.
(Mugshot of Gonzalez staring into the abyss, probably regretting that Goldfish decision.)
Stay classy, Florida.