By TalesFromFlorida.com
KISSIMMEE, FL—In the latest installment of Florida Man Does Florida Things, a 28-year-old dude named Marco Zuluaga decided that the appropriate response to a puppy’s bathroom accident was yeeting the poor dog into another dimension.
According to the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office, Zuluaga lost his ever-loving mind when his one-year-old pup, Lilly, had the audacity to pee and poop on a rug. (Gasp! The horror! Not the rug!) Instead of, you know, cleaning it up like a normal human, he allegedly slammed her into a balcony railing, considered tossing her off the third floor like a bad WWE move, and then—because subtlety is for cowards—spiked her onto the concrete like a football.
Sheriff Marcos Lopez, who clearly has zero chill left for nonsense, called the act “disgusting, disturbing, and unacceptable.” (Also, duh.) Miraculously, Lilly survived with a wonky eye and some gnarly bruises, because puppies are basically made of rubber and pure spite.
Zuluaga was arrested for animal cruelty, and Sheriff Lopez made it clear that if they could’ve tacked on additional charges like Being a Total Garbage Human, they absolutely would have. As part of his release conditions, Zuluaga is now banned from owning pets—which, honestly, should extend to owning anything with a heartbeat.
Lilly is now safe, probably plotting her revenge, and living her best life far away from the guy who thought a rug was worth more than her.
Meanwhile, Florida continues to be Florida. Stay classy, Sunshine State.