Because nothing says “luxury living” like a trash can full of used TP.
APOLLO BEACH, FL—Patty Wood thought she was buying a brand-new dream home. What she got instead? A plumbing nightmare so bizarre, it sounds like a rejected Final Destination plot.
The Horror Begins
Three days after moving into her shiny new builder home, Patty’s toilet made a noise she describes as “bluh-bluh-bluh”—which, for the uninitiated, is the sound of a poltergeist… or a plumbing system that hates you.
Instead of enjoying her golden years in peace, Patty now lives like a pioneer woman, forced to bag her used toilet paper like an apocalyptic survivalist.
Builder’s Excuse #1: “You’re using the wrong toilet paper!”
Patty’s Response: “Fine, I’ll switch to Angel Soft.”
Builder’s Excuse #2: “You’re not using enough water because you live alone!”
Patty’s Response: “Should I adopt a family just to flush properly?”
Builder’s Excuse #3: “Ranch-style homes need longer pipe runs!”
Patty’s Response: “So my house is too spacious? That’s a new one.”
The Plumber’s Verdict: Gravity Is Broken
Patty called in Thomas Flynn, a master plumber who’s worked for celebs like Arnold Palmer and Carol Channing. (Yes, that Carol Channing.) His diagnosis? The pipes are flatter than Florida’s topography, meaning waste moves more slowly than a DMV line.
To prove it, they flushed a black latex glove (because science) and watched in horror as it took FIVE MINUTES to travel a few feet. For reference, that’s longer than it takes most Floridians to decide between Publix and Walmart.
The Builder’s Official Response:
“We checked, and there’s no problem. Also, have you considered just… not pooping?” (Paraphrased.)
The Moral of the Story
If you’re buying a new home in Florida, bring a plumber to the inspection. Or just accept that your bathroom will double as a campsite.
Patty’s now fighting back with complaints to the state, because no one should have to live like a medieval peasant in 2025.
Stay tuned for the next episode: “Florida Construction: Where the Rules of Physics Don’t Apply.”