TITUSVILLE, FL—In the latest episode of Florida Man Writes Down His Crimes Like It’s a Grocery List, accused killer David Barber allegedly left behind a 12-page manifesto so thorough, it makes your average to-do list look like a Post-it note.
The document, released by prosecutors, includes such chilling reminders as:
✔ “Park across the street, observe, and put on disguise” (Because nothing says “blend in” like dressing up like a discount spy.)
✔ “Have in purse: Gun, duct tape, eyes and ears, handcuffs” (Ah yes, the classic Murder Starter Pack.)
✔ “When leaving after sweeping house after bleaching, place K’s fingerprint on toilet lid.” (Because nothing screams “frame someone” like a rogue toilet print.)
But wait—there’s more! The Buy List section reads like a deranged shopping spree at MurderMart, featuring essentials like:
🔫 Guns (For the obvious.)
🎭 Masks (Because even criminals need a little mystery.)
💊 Pills (Presumably not the take two and call me in the morning kind.)
And let’s not forget the financial planning portion—because nothing says cold-blooded like budgeting for gold purchases after the crime.
Barber, 35, is accused of kidnapping and murdering 72-year-old Jessie Kirk, a beloved Titusville philanthropist known for growing veggies and sunflowers for those in need. (Because of course Florida’s villains target the nice ones.)
Prosecutors are seeking the death penalty, citing the crime’s “especially heinous, atrocious, or cruel” nature—which, given the toilet lid fingerprint detail, seems like an understatement.
Florida Lesson of the Day: If you’re gonna commit a crime, maybe don’t leave behind a step-by-step guide with receipts. Just a thought.
(Stay tuned for the next episode of Florida Man’s Greatest Hits, coming soon to a courtroom near you.)