This week in Tales From Florida: Where bad decisions meet even worse excuses.
“My Car’s Alignment Made Me Do It!”
A 43-year-old Middleburg woman decided to put her driving skills—and her ability to come up with terrible excuses—to the test when she took to the road after apparently enjoying a few too many fruity adult beverages.
Deputies received multiple calls about her “extremely potential deadly driving pattern” (official cop-speak for “she was swerving like a shopping cart with a broken wheel”). Witnesses reported she couldn’t stay in her lane and nearly played bumper cars with oncoming traffic.
When deputies finally pulled her over, she hit them with the classic: “It’s not me, it’s my car!” Specifically, she blamed her “bad alignment.” Because nothing says “responsible driver” like blaming your vehicle for your inability to drive straight.
Bonus Fail: The Dropped Pills
Things got even better when deputies asked to pat her down. While retrieving money from her bra (because of course), she accidentally dropped a small bag of pills on the ground. Oops.
Deputy: “Do you have a prescription for these?”
Her: [Silence. Crickets. More silence.]
She then failed every sobriety test harder than a Florida man fails at basic decision-making.
Meanwhile, in Other Florida Shenanigans…
In a completely unrelated incident, a 22-year-old DeLand woman thought she could outsmart deputies by hiding a joint between her breasts during a traffic stop.
Deputy: “Are you hiding narcotics?”
Her: “No.”
Also Her: [Pulls out a joint like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.]
A search revealed she was carrying 23 grams of marijuana. Because nothing says “discreet” like turning your bra into a mobile dispensary.
Florida: Where the Excuses Are as Creative as the Crimes
Stay tuned for next week’s edition of Florida Logic™, where we’ll bring you more tales of questionable life choices and the people who make them.