TalesFromFlorida.com Exclusive
A Duval County teacher woke up one morning covered in suspicious red spots and immediately thought, “Oh no, did I time-travel to the 1800s?” Concerned she might have measles—because, you know, Florida—she set out on a quest to get tested. But what followed was less House M.D. and more Hunger Games: Healthcare Edition.
Round 1: Urgent Care – “We Don’t Do That Here”
Our brave educator (let’s call her “Ms. Itchy McRashface”) marched into an urgent care, expecting a quick swab and a lollipop. Instead, she was met with:
Urgent Care Staff: “Measles? Sorry, we only test for things that aren’t making a comeback from the Victorian era.”
Round 2: Health Department – “Try the Next Building Over… Maybe?”
Undeterred, she headed to the Duval County Health Department, where she was promptly redirected like a lost tourist asking for directions to Disney.
Health Department Employee: “Oh, you want a measles test? That’s… not here. Try the Immunization Department. Or a time machine.”
Round 3: Immunization Department – “We Only Prevent Plagues, Not Diagnose Them”
At this point, Ms. McRashface was starting to wonder if she should just start coughing dramatically in public and see if anyone else panicked first. The Immunization Department was no help either.
Immunization Staff: “We give shots. If you already have the plague, that’s above our pay grade.”
The Final Boss: Virtual Doctor – “Congratulations, You Unlocked Healthcare!”
After being turned away more times than a Florida man trying to return a live alligator to Walmart, she finally scored a virtual doctor’s appointment.
Doctor (via Zoom): “Yep, those look like rashes. Let’s get you tested… if we can find a lab that still does that.”
The Moral of the Story
If you think you have measles in Florida, here’s your checklist:
✅ Call your doctor first (don’t just show up like it’s a surprise party).
✅ Check your vaccine records (or dig up your childhood medical files like you’re solving a cold case).
✅ Avoid breathing near people (just in general, really).
As for our teacher? She’s still waiting on that test. But hey, at least she got a great story out of it—and possibly a new side hustle as a “Measles Mystery” true crime podcast host.
Stay safe, Florida. And maybe invest in some bubble wrap.