In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming, a Florida man has once again proven that the Sunshine State is the undisputed champion of bizarre crimes.
Steven Cusumano, 45, decided that a refreshing glass of lemonade was exactly what he needed on a Tuesday evening. But when the neighborhood kids running the stand refused his demand for a free refill, things escalated faster than a gator spotting a tourist with a sandwich.
According to reports, Cusumano didn’t just pout like a normal person—oh no. He allegedly went full Florida Man, grabbing the wrist of the adult supervising the stand, squaring up like he was about to throw down in a UFC match, and threatening to “beat her up.” Because nothing says “I’m a mature adult” like throwing hands over lemonade pricing.
The stand’s operators, presumably a group of bewildered children and one very done adult, watched as Cusumano bolted like a man who suddenly remembered he left his meth lab unattended. But, alas, Florida law enforcement is used to this kind of nonsense. They chased him down and slapped him with a felony battery charge—because, of course, this wasn’t his first rodeo.
Cusumano’s rap sheet reads like a Florida Bingo card: battery, trespassing, drug possession, disorderly intoxication, and even assault with a deadly weapon. When questioned, he claimed the woman was “talking s–t” to him, which, let’s be real, probably meant she said something like, “Sir, this is a children’s lemonade stand.”
Now he’s cooling his heels in county jail on a $5,000 bond, presumably regretting the life choices that led him to wage war against a beverage stand run by literal children.